Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Live or Die

The pain I felt during surgery was unforgettable! During the surgery I cried and chanted desperately at the same time. I could not control my feelings! I wished for it all to be over soon because I didn't know for how much longer I could stand the pain! After a long time of crying and chanting I lost consciousness and I fell asleep. I think it wasn't just a simple sleep because I was asleep for two days! 

When I woke up there was a nurse taking care of me. He was a young short brown man with a big white smile. He was adding to the serum and medicine that ran from a tube to a syringe that was injected into my hand. I also had an oxygen tube in my nose and a tube inserted into my body in the direction of the left lung draining the pus was still there. 

" Good morning bofe!" He said. 

 "Bofe" was a kind of friendly name that gay people usually called someone they wanted to show sympathy. 

I didn't have the energy to answer him!  I looked at him in a friendly way and he kept his bright smile. 

"I've been taking care of you since your operation. I am going home in a few minutes and another nurse is coming to replace me", he said. 

I looked at his eyes and nodded my head confirming that I had understood. 

"The doctors are coming to see you after breakfast. Do you need anything?" 

What would I need in this situation? What would I need in this place? Suddenly I thought. 

"Yes!" I said. 

"Ah! Finally you talk!" He said. 

I smiled with my eyes. 

"Could you ask my mother to bring me my Juzu beads* and my tooth brush please?" I spoke slowly, almost without a voice. I wanted to brush my teeth because I felt a strange taste and smell in my mouth! I also wanted to chant Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo using my beads. I loved my Juzu beads! They were white, small and beautiful! Someone had given them to me but I don't remember who it was. 

" Tooth brush I know what is but what's Juzu-beads?" He asked. 

"This is an accessory I use when I pray. I am buddhist and my mummy will understand what you tell her", I said to him. 

He gave me a curious look and turned his head and body very fast! He looked like a model parading on the catwalk! He made me laugh and I had my first happy time after the surgery! I liked him! He was very funny and had a good sense of humour. 

Before he left his shift he came and told me that he had given my mother the message.  

"Your mother will bring what you asked for tomorrow!" he said.

"Thank you very much!" 

"Ah! She also asked me to tell you that she chanted 48 hours while you were sleeping after your surgery." 

I was surprised at what he had told me! How could my mother do that! My eyes welled up with tears after he told me. 

Later my mother told me that she had sat in front of the Gohonzon for 48 hours without sleeping to chant for my life! She only stopped chanting when she needed to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigaret or eat something. My father had also chanted with her some of the time. Many SGI friends from our local organisation also went to our house to chant with my mother. Some of them had come twice on the same day, before and after going to work.  Other SGI members who lived in another area, city or country, had also chanted for me. 

I felt moved by their support! It seemed like they were part of our family! I will never forget what they did and I will always have gratitude for them! 

I also felt very moved by my mother's  attitude. She had the courage and willingness to chant for a such long time without sleeping. 

When the nurse was about to leave,  he suddenly came back to my bed and asked me if I could tell him more about my chanting when he came back to work in two days.

" I'm curious to know what that chant is", he said. 

I smiled. "Yes, I can", I said. 

Then he left happily. 

I could not have imagined that my necessity to have my Juzu-beads with me could create a situation in which a person would become interested in my prayer. 

The doctors came in straight after breakfast and I didn't have enough time to finish it. But to be honest, I didn't mind! My breakfast was disgusting! It was carrot and beet juice and I hated those vegetables! I once threw the juice out of the window after the nurse had left, although I was aware that it was good for me. 

There were two doctors in front of me! One of them I recognised because he had done my operation and had asked me many times to stop saying Nam- myoho-renge-Kyo. But the other doctor I saw for the first time. The doctor who had operated on me introduced the other doctor as a specialist in lung disease who would be treating me from now on.  Then he proceeded explaining to me the real situation I was facing. 

I listened to him carefully and I was in shock! I had tuberculosis with water in the pleura and it was very serious because the symptoms had not manifested at the beginning of the illness. Consequently both of my lungs were very affected and weak. As one of my lungs,  the left one, was full of secretion, I had surgery immediately when I arrived at the hospital in order to prevent it stop working altogether! The right lung was also damaged and it would probably have to be operated on in a week. 

" The second surgery will be more complicated than the first one. The reason is because both your lungs are very damaged and weak", said the lung specialist doctor.  

" And you could risk dying", said the doctor ,who had performed my first surgery. 

I was surprised by his sincerity! I thought that this kind of information, that a patient could die, should be given to someone else in the patient's family. But he told me that I could die without considering I was just a teenager! I was only 15! 

"What do you need to do before the surgery?" I asked.

" We need to carry out some examinations at the end of this week to see if the right lung is strong enough for you to have another surgery", one of the doctor answered me. 

"So I have to wait a week to know what will happen with me?" 

"Yes! But we are sure that you will need surgery in the right lung", the lung specialist doctor said. 

I was petrified by all that information! Sometimes I had thought that my life was not at all nice, especially because of my relationship with my father and my stuttering problem. I even thought once to end my life but I never had courage for that! When I started to participate in Buddhist meetings with my mother, Buddhist meetings for children, and Kotekitai, the SGI band for girls, I felt happier and I stopped thinking about dying. But now I was facing death even without wanting it. 

My mother came to visit me the same afternoon and brought my Juzu beads and tooth brush. She came alone because I was in intensive care, and  only one person was allowed at a time. 

"Hi sweet honey! How are you feeling?" She asked. 

"I'm well mummy but I feel tired."

"I know! You had a long and hard surgery. The doctor had to insert a tube into your lung to drain the pus that was there. I was outside the room by the window and I saw many glass jars full of blood and pus", she said. 

"I still have pus there", I said. 

" Yes you have, but the tube will drain out all the pus your lung has accumulated ", she said. "Do you know how serious your situation is?

"I do mummy! The doctor came here today and explained everything to me, and he also said that I will need surgery on my right lung, and that it might be worse than the first one." 

"Honey!" My mother then looked at me. "I have to say that this is about my karma to risk loosing my only one daughter whom I love very much, and I am sure I will suffer a lot! But, this is also your karma honey, because you can die young and not enjoy your life in this existence." 

 I didn't say anything. 

"Honey I need your help to change our karma!" 

"How can I change this karma mummy?" 

"The only way I know is to chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, she said. You have to decide to transform this poison into medicine." Then she shared with me Nichiren Daishonin's gosho in which he says:  "Believe in this Mandela with all your heart. Nam- myoho-renge- Kyo is like the roar of a lion. What sickness can therefore be an obstacle?" 

That would be my second opportunity, by myself, to see how this practice really worked! The first victory was to have the fife instrument, to play in the Kotekitai band. Now I had a bigger challenge!  I could die! I had to see proof at that very moment if I didn't want to die ! How could I change the situation in a week? I asked myself many times. 

Then I remember my mother saying,"Don't loose time thinking! Take action!" 

I then started chanting many hours everyday. One day I did ten hours whilst lying in bed. During this time I saw many people arriving alive at the intensive care unit and leaving dead.  I was scared! I didn't want to die! 

Each time I chanted I felt I became stronger and I determined to overcome the situation and live. I decided not to have an operation in my right lung, and that the lung would be clean, without any pus by the time of the examination. That would be practically impossible to achieve in a week! But I had decided to live so I had to believe that chanting Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo would transform poison into medicine, as Nichiren Daishonin and Sensei said in their writings and encouragements. 

Suddenly I thought about Sensei and I felt a strong gratitude for him!  Why? I didn't know! But I felt that now was a perfect time to establish a mentor and disciple relationship with Sensei. 

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