Chapter 13 - My Vow

Chapter 13- My vow

That week would be crucial for me! I had to win, definitely! 

Whilst I was chanting I constantly thought about my life and the reasons why I wanted to live. I asked myself what kind of life I would have if I didn't die? I knew I didn't want to have the same kind of life that I had been living so far. I wanted to change my life and become happy. 

Suddenly I thought again about Sensei (Daisaku Ikeda). I always thought about him when I felt fear, doubt and discouragement. 

My mother would say that Sensei was very especial to her. Without his efforts to go to Brazil and propagate this Buddhism she would never have met the Mystic Law and learned how to chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.  She always expressed great gratitude for him! 

I also heard about Sensei at the SGI meetings. At the adult meetings the SGI leaders shared Sensei's guidance which came in the SGI newspaper, magazines and books. I liked listening to them and I saw how people, including my mummy, were inspired and encouraged by Sensei's words. Sometimes they had arrived at the meeting with a pale sad face and then left with a bright and happy face. 

I liked most of the children's meetings because we were told about Sensei's youth and his struggle in war time. He had many struggles; he lost his eldest brother in the war, his house was destroyed by bombs and he had to work hard to help his family financially. I was very moved my Sensei's courage to never give up. 

Besides all that, he got ill with tuberculosis when he was just 15.  I was also 15 when I had tuberculosis. Exactly like Sensei!

When Sensei was 19 he met his mentor Jossei Toda. He was invited by some friends to attend a meeting but they didn't tell him that it was a Buddhist meeting. They said it was a meeting about philosophy. Sensei liked philosophy and he accepted their invitation. At the meeting Sensei was very impressed with Josei Toda's explanation about life and he decided there and then to follow Josei Toda and have him as his mentor.  At the end of the meeting Sensei stood up and asked Jossei Toda if he could recite a poem called  "Springing from the Earth." 

Traveler, 

From whence do you come? 

And where do you go?

The moon has set, 

But the sun has not yet risen. 

In the chaos of darkness before the dawn 

Seeking the light, 

I advance 

To dispel the dark clouds from my mind 

To find a great tree unbowed by the tempest 

I emerge from the Earth." 

[From The Human Revolution, by Daisaku Ikeda]

The poem expressed Sensei's vow to follow Jossei Toda for the rest of his life! 

That was it! I needed a vow - I needed to make a vow - to have a life with profound meaning, just as Sensei did with Jossei Toda.  

I started chanting to understand what I wanted to decide. During the Daimoku I felt the desire to live a meaningful life and help other people become happy. But what was happiness?  How could I help people become happy if I was not? Then I realised that I was feeling happier when I chanted and also after I had made my decision to live and help other people become happy. That was my first vow. To live for people's happiness. And the way I did that; that would be doing 'Kosen-rufu'. 

My second vow, which was totally connected with the first one, was to follow and have Daisaku Ikeda as my mentor in life. 

And my third vow was to never abandon the Gohonzon and the SGI organisation. 

My Daimoku had changed! I felt unshakeable! I felt that my victory was certain after my determination to live for people's happiness. Exactly as Sensei had done in his youth. 

At the day of  my lung examination I don't remember feeling the least bit worried. I just remember that I wanted  to know the results fast. 

I had the examination in the afternoon and then two doctors came to see me about two hours later. One of them had a serious expression on his face as if some bad news was coming. There was a long pause before anybody started talking.  I didn't take my eyes off them. My mother was also there waiting for words. 

"Tell me please, will my daughter need surgery in the other lung?" My mother asked one of the doctors who held the envelope with the results in his hand. 

He first looked at my mother and then at me. 

"It's taking a long time!" I thought. "What is happening?" 

"I almost let doubt enter in my heart. But I didn't! I would win that battle and have the proof  that Nam-myoho-renge-kyo was powerful. 

"Honestly we haven't fully understood the results of the examination and we will have to ask for more tests", the doctor said. 

"Why?", my mother asked. "Is there anything wrong?" 

"We still don't know", said the other doctor. 

"Please  let us know the result!"  demanded my mother. 

I also began to feel anxious. It seemed as if they didn't want to tell me.  I began wondering if my case was very serious and if they were afraid to tell me. 

"Please doctor tell me! I said to the doctor who held my result in his hands." 

"I will leave it to Doctor F. to explain what is happening. Also because he will be taking care of you from now." Doctor F. was a lung specialist. 

My mother and I looked at the doctor. Our eyes starred at the doctor's hands while he opened the envelope with my results. 

"Honestly I can't yet offer you a clear explanation of the results. Therefore I have thought about asking for another examination" , he said. 

"Before another examination can I have the result of this one?" I asked. 

"Yes of course! But I need to ask you to wait for the results of the next examination before we can confirm the result of this one." 

 I was anxious as the doctor didn't open the envelope quickly to tell us the result. 

As he began to open the envelope containing my medical results, my heart beat faster.

"The examination did not deliver the results we were anticipating. In  We expected that you would need surgery in your right lung as well. The reason for this is because your left lung had been severely affected by tuberculosis and when that is the case with one lung, usually the other lung is affected too. So we were almost 100% certain that you would need the surgery." He said. "But the examination shows that you don't have any pus in your left lung." 

I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears. 

"Please, wait for the results of the next examination before celebrating. We need to check again in order to obtain absolute confirmation of this result", he said. 

Of course it was right! I felt it was! I had won and I didn't need to wait for any other examination! I was sure that I did not need any surgery in my right lung. 

The doctor insisted on carrying out a second examination and I knew I had to comply. However, I felt I had already won. I could undergo any examination he asked for, I was sure that the result would be the same. 

My mother was celebrating and like me she already knew we were going to be victorious. 

After the doctors left the room, my mother stayed a few minutes longer. 

"Congratulations my dear. You won!" 

"Thank you mummy. However this victory is not just mine. It's yours and our mentors." 

My mother smiled and hugged me. She knew I had discovered something very important in my life while I was chanting to overcome my health karma. 

She was absolutely right!  I had discovered that I could not live anymore without a making deep vow and without a mentor. 

Then I felt in my heart I that was ready to face any challenge as I was not alone anymore. 

Now, I had a mentor. 

Sent from Tati

Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Live or Die

The pain I felt during surgery was unforgettable! During the surgery I cried and chanted desperately at the same time. I could not control my feelings! I wished for it all to be over soon because I didn't know for how much longer I could stand the pain! After a long time of crying and chanting I lost consciousness and I fell asleep. I think it wasn't just a simple sleep because I was asleep for two days! 

When I woke up there was a nurse taking care of me. He was a young short brown man with a big white smile. He was adding to the serum and medicine that ran from a tube to a syringe that was injected into my hand. I also had an oxygen tube in my nose and a tube inserted into my body in the direction of the left lung draining the pus was still there. 

" Good morning bofe!" He said. 

 "Bofe" was a kind of friendly name that gay people usually called someone they wanted to show sympathy. 

I didn't have the energy to answer him!  I looked at him in a friendly way and he kept his bright smile. 

"I've been taking care of you since your operation. I am going home in a few minutes and another nurse is coming to replace me", he said. 

I looked at his eyes and nodded my head confirming that I had understood. 

"The doctors are coming to see you after breakfast. Do you need anything?" 

What would I need in this situation? What would I need in this place? Suddenly I thought. 

"Yes!" I said. 

"Ah! Finally you talk!" He said. 

I smiled with my eyes. 

"Could you ask my mother to bring me my Juzu beads* and my tooth brush please?" I spoke slowly, almost without a voice. I wanted to brush my teeth because I felt a strange taste and smell in my mouth! I also wanted to chant Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo using my beads. I loved my Juzu beads! They were white, small and beautiful! Someone had given them to me but I don't remember who it was. 

" Tooth brush I know what is but what's Juzu-beads?" He asked. 

"This is an accessory I use when I pray. I am buddhist and my mummy will understand what you tell her", I said to him. 

He gave me a curious look and turned his head and body very fast! He looked like a model parading on the catwalk! He made me laugh and I had my first happy time after the surgery! I liked him! He was very funny and had a good sense of humour. 

Before he left his shift he came and told me that he had given my mother the message.  

"Your mother will bring what you asked for tomorrow!" he said.

"Thank you very much!" 

"Ah! She also asked me to tell you that she chanted 48 hours while you were sleeping after your surgery." 

I was surprised at what he had told me! How could my mother do that! My eyes welled up with tears after he told me. 

Later my mother told me that she had sat in front of the Gohonzon for 48 hours without sleeping to chant for my life! She only stopped chanting when she needed to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigaret or eat something. My father had also chanted with her some of the time. Many SGI friends from our local organisation also went to our house to chant with my mother. Some of them had come twice on the same day, before and after going to work.  Other SGI members who lived in another area, city or country, had also chanted for me. 

I felt moved by their support! It seemed like they were part of our family! I will never forget what they did and I will always have gratitude for them! 

I also felt very moved by my mother's  attitude. She had the courage and willingness to chant for a such long time without sleeping. 

When the nurse was about to leave,  he suddenly came back to my bed and asked me if I could tell him more about my chanting when he came back to work in two days.

" I'm curious to know what that chant is", he said. 

I smiled. "Yes, I can", I said. 

Then he left happily. 

I could not have imagined that my necessity to have my Juzu-beads with me could create a situation in which a person would become interested in my prayer. 

The doctors came in straight after breakfast and I didn't have enough time to finish it. But to be honest, I didn't mind! My breakfast was disgusting! It was carrot and beet juice and I hated those vegetables! I once threw the juice out of the window after the nurse had left, although I was aware that it was good for me. 

There were two doctors in front of me! One of them I recognised because he had done my operation and had asked me many times to stop saying Nam- myoho-renge-Kyo. But the other doctor I saw for the first time. The doctor who had operated on me introduced the other doctor as a specialist in lung disease who would be treating me from now on.  Then he proceeded explaining to me the real situation I was facing. 

I listened to him carefully and I was in shock! I had tuberculosis with water in the pleura and it was very serious because the symptoms had not manifested at the beginning of the illness. Consequently both of my lungs were very affected and weak. As one of my lungs,  the left one, was full of secretion, I had surgery immediately when I arrived at the hospital in order to prevent it stop working altogether! The right lung was also damaged and it would probably have to be operated on in a week. 

" The second surgery will be more complicated than the first one. The reason is because both your lungs are very damaged and weak", said the lung specialist doctor.  

" And you could risk dying", said the doctor ,who had performed my first surgery. 

I was surprised by his sincerity! I thought that this kind of information, that a patient could die, should be given to someone else in the patient's family. But he told me that I could die without considering I was just a teenager! I was only 15! 

"What do you need to do before the surgery?" I asked.

" We need to carry out some examinations at the end of this week to see if the right lung is strong enough for you to have another surgery", one of the doctor answered me. 

"So I have to wait a week to know what will happen with me?" 

"Yes! But we are sure that you will need surgery in the right lung", the lung specialist doctor said. 

I was petrified by all that information! Sometimes I had thought that my life was not at all nice, especially because of my relationship with my father and my stuttering problem. I even thought once to end my life but I never had courage for that! When I started to participate in Buddhist meetings with my mother, Buddhist meetings for children, and Kotekitai, the SGI band for girls, I felt happier and I stopped thinking about dying. But now I was facing death even without wanting it. 

My mother came to visit me the same afternoon and brought my Juzu beads and tooth brush. She came alone because I was in intensive care, and  only one person was allowed at a time. 

"Hi sweet honey! How are you feeling?" She asked. 

"I'm well mummy but I feel tired."

"I know! You had a long and hard surgery. The doctor had to insert a tube into your lung to drain the pus that was there. I was outside the room by the window and I saw many glass jars full of blood and pus", she said. 

"I still have pus there", I said. 

" Yes you have, but the tube will drain out all the pus your lung has accumulated ", she said. "Do you know how serious your situation is?

"I do mummy! The doctor came here today and explained everything to me, and he also said that I will need surgery on my right lung, and that it might be worse than the first one." 

"Honey!" My mother then looked at me. "I have to say that this is about my karma to risk loosing my only one daughter whom I love very much, and I am sure I will suffer a lot! But, this is also your karma honey, because you can die young and not enjoy your life in this existence." 

 I didn't say anything. 

"Honey I need your help to change our karma!" 

"How can I change this karma mummy?" 

"The only way I know is to chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, she said. You have to decide to transform this poison into medicine." Then she shared with me Nichiren Daishonin's gosho in which he says:  "Believe in this Mandela with all your heart. Nam- myoho-renge- Kyo is like the roar of a lion. What sickness can therefore be an obstacle?" 

That would be my second opportunity, by myself, to see how this practice really worked! The first victory was to have the fife instrument, to play in the Kotekitai band. Now I had a bigger challenge!  I could die! I had to see proof at that very moment if I didn't want to die ! How could I change the situation in a week? I asked myself many times. 

Then I remember my mother saying,"Don't loose time thinking! Take action!" 

I then started chanting many hours everyday. One day I did ten hours whilst lying in bed. During this time I saw many people arriving alive at the intensive care unit and leaving dead.  I was scared! I didn't want to die! 

Each time I chanted I felt I became stronger and I determined to overcome the situation and live. I decided not to have an operation in my right lung, and that the lung would be clean, without any pus by the time of the examination. That would be practically impossible to achieve in a week! But I had decided to live so I had to believe that chanting Nam-myoho-renge-Kyo would transform poison into medicine, as Nichiren Daishonin and Sensei said in their writings and encouragements. 

Suddenly I thought about Sensei and I felt a strong gratitude for him!  Why? I didn't know! But I felt that now was a perfect time to establish a mentor and disciple relationship with Sensei. 

Sent from Tati

Chapter 11

Chapter 11- Am I dying?

Once when I was 15 I left the ballet school feeling very unwell. I supposeI had fever because I was very hot. I also had green hands and feet. After I got home my mother took me to see the doctor. She said those symptoms were not good! 

At the hospital the doctor said that there could be a problem with the liver and gave my mother some medicine to take home. My mother and I went back home and she thought  that I would get better. However it didn't happen! I got worse! Then my mother called a friend of hers who had a car and who could take us to the hospital. I don't remember my father being around at that moment, so I believe he wasn't at home as usual. 

The hospital was not the same one we had gone to earlier. This one was big and busy! There were many people at the emergency section, at the reception and at the hospital's corridors. Some people were moaning in pain, crying or shouting. The environment was tense and sombre.

"Mummy, I don't like this place", I said. 

"I know honey but you are not well and we need to see the doctor again." 

She was right! Besides fever and green hands and feet,  I was feeling a strong pain in my belly and I could not bend my body forward. I felt like I was going to faint. 

Finally we were called to a doctor and he gave me more medicines, but they were not the same that I had taken before and he said that I was to stay over night for observation. 

"Mummy, I don't want to stay here! I want to go home!"

"Honey, it will be better for you to stay here! The doctors can save your life in case you get worse", She said. 

The room I had to stay in was large and sombre. There were more than six beds and all were occupied except mine. People who were there seemed very sick and sad.  

"Mummy, can you stay here with me?" 

"Unfortunately I cannot stay here with you honey! Just at private hospitals can people stay with their children," she said. 

Usually rich people could stay in a private hospital. We were definitely not rich! We did not eat ham with cheese every day for breakfast and meat at meals. Rich people did! 

"But if I take the medicine at home, could I go?" 

"No honey! You will be better here than at home! How would I get here  in case you get worse at night? We don't have a car and I cannot bother our neighbour and friends all the time." 

I knew she was right and thinking of what was best for me, but that place looked like a horror film. I hated horror films!

Then my mother left the hospital leaving me in bed. Now the room was full! 

The nurse gave me more than three pills to take. I had difficulties to swallowing the  pills and the nurse didn't have any patience with me. 

"Take these pills girl!" She said aggressively. 

I had nausea twice and she looked at me as if she wanted to torture me. That was worse than a horror film! 

That night was the longest one I had had in my childhood! I could not sleep because of my pain and other patients pains. Voices were heard not just in our room but from other rooms and corridors too. 

I called out to the nurse twice to ask her for more medicines. I was crying of pain but she could not give me more medicine.  We had to wait for the right time to take the second dose. I put a pillow on my stomach and my back to try to ease the pain I was feeling. Then I chanted Nam- myoho-renge-Kyo to be well.  After some hours I fell asleep. 

My mother came very early the next day and I saw her talking to the doctor. Then she came to see me. 

"How are you feeling honey?" She asked. 

I started crying. 

"Don't cry honey! You are going to get very well soon", she said. 

"I feel a strong pain in my belly and back like a knife cutting me," I said. I didn't really know how the pain of a knife cutting the skin felt, but I thought it would be similar and painful! 

"Did the doctor come to see you at night?" 

"No, he didn't! Just a nurse! " I didn't tell her that the nurse had been aggressive with me! My mother was also a nurse, but very compassionate nurse and she would never accept that her daughter had been distraught by any nurse. I never liked worrying my mother! I liked seeing her smiling and happy. 

My mother was at the hospital all day and came to see me when it was a time for visitors. We had visiting hours three times a day, morning after breakfast, afternoon after lunch and evening before dinner. I think she was not allowed to be with me during meals because they did not want to give food to people who were not sick.

I had to stay there for another night and I cried again when my mother left. 

That second night was more horrible than the  first one! I rolled over in bed from one side to the other moaning in pain The nurse, who was a different one from the day before, asked me to stop making that noise. She was also not nice! I thought there was just one kind and friendly nurse in the world, my mummy! But unfortunately she was not my nurse in this hospital. She was working privately as a nurse at a lady's house. 

In the morning I could not open my eyes although I wasn't in pain anymore. I heard my mother's voice saying to someone in the corridor near  my room that she had an ambulance waiting outside ready to take me to another hospital. But it seemed that the doctor, who was responsible for me, didn't want to let her transfer me. My mother was speaking loudly, moving her arms and hands and pointed her finger at the doctor. 

Then she came to me. "Honey! We are leaving the hospital now! Take your bag!" She said. 

"Why mummy? I want to be here!" 

"Why do you want to be here? You said you didn't like this hospital!" 

"I didn't mummy! But they have given me medicines which stopped the pain I was feeling." 

"I know honey but the medicines they have given you are not good for your recovery. Mummy has found a better hospital for you and the doctors who work there are specialist and they will take care of you!"  

"I don't want to go mummy! I don't want to feel pain again!" 

"You will not feel pain again honey! Believe in me!" 

Two people came to help my mother put me in a wheelchair to take me to the ambulance outside. The ambulance driver and another man came to help them put me in the ambulance. With me were my mother, a guy wearing a white uniform, and a man I didn't know. My eyes were still blurred and I was tired. 

"Honey this is Mr. Francisco. He found a place for you in the hospital we are going to  now", my mother said. 

I could not look at him! I could not move my head!

Later she told me how she had met that gentleman. When she told friends of hers which hospital I was in, many of them said that that hospital was not a good one. They knew many people who had been there and had gotten worse. And some of them had died after being there! My mother was concerned and had started to look for someone who was working  at a good hospital, to try to find a place to transfer me to. One of those people knew Mr. Francisco, who met my mother and arranged for a place for me at one of the best local private hospitals. 

When the ambulance arrived at the hospital I was feeling worse than ever!  I could not see anyone! I could just hear voices! 

They put me in the wheelchair again and I heard a female voice. She seemed to be a doctor.

"Let's take her to the surgery room now! She does not have much time!" 

The wheelchair was pushed very fast. I could not see very well but I thought  the person behind me was a nurse because she was wearing white. Doctors don't usually push wheelchairs! 

"Are you a nurse?", I asked her.

"Yes, I am", she said. 

"Where are we going?"

"We are going straight to surgery . You need an operation darling! But don't worry! We are going to take care of you from now!" 

She had a nice kind friendly voice! 

"Will I die?" I asked her. 

"No darling! You will not die!" 

I was afraid...

"Where is my mother?" 

"She is downstairs." My mother presence made me feeling safe but I think she didn't come with us because it was not allowed.  I let my body sink down into the chair and I closed my eyes. 

"Don't let her go to sleep! Wake her up! " I heard the same doctor's voice say to my friendly nurse. 

She slapped my face a few times and I saw her big face and wide eyes in front of me. 

"Don't sleep darling! Don't sleep darling!" 

A few minutes later I was lying in a bed and more than five people wearing white uniforms stood around the bed looking at me. 

One of the them must have been the one in charge as he was the only one who spoke.

Although I was very weak, I felt when my skin being torn with a knife (I think it was a knife) and a thin rubber pipe was pushed into my left lung. 

"It will hurt but I cannot do anything about it!" The doctor said. " I have given you an anaesthetic but it is not going to work completely because your lung is full of pus. You have a serious infection!" 

After he said that I felt a pain like never before in my life! I screamed! I screamed very loud and I called to Sensei, Gohonzon and chanted Nam- myoho-renge-kyo. 

"What 's she is saying?" The doctor asked the other people. 

Nobody answered. 

I kept saying those three words all the time and the doctor became very irritated with me. 

"Stop saying that!" He said.

I didn't! I couldn't! Because the pain was uncontrollable and I really thought I was going to die!