Chapter 7 - My mother and Me
When my mother arrived home from work she always chanted before anything else. Usually I was getting up and ready to go to school, and she said, "Tatiana! I'm going to chant now. Would you like to chant with me before you go to school? "
I always went to chant with her because I liked being with her! I liked listening to her chanting!
Sometimes I was late for school and she said, " chant just for five minutes and go! It will help you to have a great day!"
On the day of my exams she always said to me, " Before starting the exam chant Nam- myoho- renge-kyo three times! It will help you to keep calm and to have wisdom."
When my mother was at home she chanted for a long time and I lay on the floor with my head in her lap and slept after I had chanted for a few minutes.
I felt protected by her !
Once when we were at home alone we had a nice long talk like two good friends, and I asked her, "Mammy, why are you still married to my father?"
" Why are you asking me this?", she said surprisingly .
" Because when you argued with him I heard you say that you would like to divorce him".
She stared at me for a while.
" I was not speaking seriously", she said, " why would I do that? "
" Because my father and you argue almost every day".
She was silent. I think she was thinking about what to say.
" I met your father when I was suffering because of an ex-boyfriend I had had before him. At the time your father was very nice and I thought we could be happy together", she said.
" But I think you are not happy with my father" , I said.
" I cannot say I'm not happy. I have you! Your father gave me you! ", she said, " I get upset with your father because I want to give you a better life than I had! "
I was silent.
" Your father is not strong! If I leave him he would probably have more trouble. He could die!", she said, " I feel sorry for him!"
" Don't you think that our problems would end if you divorce him", I said. That was what I wanted most in my life!
" Don't you love your father? Don't you worry about what can happen to him?", she asked.
I said nothing!
To be honest I didn't care about him! But I could not say that to her! If I told her she would understand the reasons perfectly.
" This is my fault! I should not argue with your father in front of you! "
The arguments were not the only reasons that I wanted to live just with her if they divorced! There was more! Much more!
" I don't know if divorce would be the solution for us", she said, " I have learned about Karma from the Buddhist point of view and I think that I am with your father because of our karmic connection".
" I don't understand mummy."
" What I have understood is that karma is created through positive and negative causes that we made in the past, in this present life or last life. Things that happens with me, which causes suffering, are results of negative causes I made in the past. That is Karma!", she said, and she added: " And then my sufferings are my responsibility! "
" Then you are saying that my father cannot be blamed for your problems and suffering!"
" Exactly! " , she answered.
" But when he does bad things to you, he is making negative karma for his life too!", I said.
" Yes he is. That is an important point! If I change quickly then he will change and we will not make more negative causes for the future", she said.
" But mummy, why do you have to change if he is the person who does the things that hurt you?"
" Because he has helped me to eliminate my negative karma! It is like paying a debt", she said, " He is just the way for me to change."
" Could it be anyone?", I asked.
" Yes darling! It could be my boss, friends, family and you!", She said.
" But how are you going to change?", I asked.
" I think I can start with simple things. For instance, when your father brings friends here to our house to smoke marijuana, what do I do?", she asked.
" You force my father's friends out screaming and beating them with the broom".
We both laughed out loud for a long time. Tears fell from our eyes laughing.
Although my father was wrong to smoke Marijuana at home with friends, he always argued with my mother after she had thrown everyone out.
When we stopped laughing she said, " to avoid arguing with your father , Instead of asking his friends to leave our house screaming and beating them , I could ask them politely without the broom in my hands".
We laughed again.
" I cannot imagine you doing that politely mummy!"
" You see! Also your father! It would be a big surprise for him too, and we probably won't argue."
" But you do it because you are right and upset", I said.
" I know but I must control it because that would be good for me and him".
I started agreeing with her but just because of her!
" But why does this change have to come from you and not from him?" I asked.
" Anyone of us can determine to change and that would positively affect the other. In this case I'm practicing Buddhism but your father is not. So, I think it should start with me! Does that make sense?", she asked.
" Yes but I think you have nothing to change".
" Of course I have! If I had not I wouldn't be suffering", she said.
I looked at her and smiled. I didn't like knowing that she suffered.
" Tatiana, there is a letter that was written by Nichiren Daishonin that says, "If you want to understand the causes that existed in the past, look at the results as they are manifested in the present. And if you want to understand what results will be manifested in the future, look at the causes that exist in the present."
" What does it mean?", I asked.
" It is clear that I have made causes to have this life now! Negative causes to have a husband like that and positive causes to have a daughter like you", she said.
I smiled.
" If I don't change I will face the same situation with another husband if I marry again after divorce", she said.
" How are you going to change my father?" I asked.
" I am not going to change him! I will change me!
" How are you going to do that?", I asked.
"Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for your father's happiness, for mine and yours and changing my attitude towards him!, she said.
It was very hard to believe that my mother would change her behaviour with my father through chanting. My father did things that she did not like everyday, and she was upset. But if my mother was convinced that it was possible I really trusted her!
My mother always shared with me what she was reading and learning from her Buddhist practice. I loved listening to her!
Her favourite reading were Goshos by Nichiren Daishonin and President Ikeda's guidance.
She memorised many phrases from the gosho and Ikeda's guidance. Sometimes she chose a specific gosho or guidance from Sensei to read out loud after Gongyo to encourage herself. I felt it was like a vow to win!
She also read the novel " Human Revolution" and " The New Human Revolution" to know more about the SGI's three presidents ( Tsunesaburo Makiguchi , Josei Toda and Daisaku Ikeda) and how Daisaku Ikeda had spread the Daishonin's Buddhism in the world.
My mother underlined all the material she read to read it again later and to encourage members when she was doing home- visits.
When I started to buy my own Buddhist newspapers and books I did the same.
Participating in SGI activities my mother found out that there were Buddhist meetings for children called " 2001 Group". She then took me to the meetings which were held once a month. She also knew about a band for girls called " Kotekitai " and she did an interview to enrol me.
She wanted to involve me in many Buddhist activities because she said that each of us had our own Karma and that I would need to practice to change mine.
I was very grateful to my mother because in those two activities I met my best friend and later my mentor.
When I was teenager, before I was 15, I started being more lazy and sometimes I didn't want to chant. Then she said, " it is for your happiness!"
Even against my wish I chanted because I saw how much my mother was changing her attitude with my father. She argued less with him!
She also changed her behaviour with neighbours. Before she would argue and beat them when they said something about my father and now she could talk to the them in a friendly way to resolve the situation.
I have to confess that sometimes I wanted her to be as she was before specially with my father when I was angry with him, but she would never argue and beat him again. She had changed completely through her practice!
Consequently my father changed too.
When she noticed I was disappointed she said, " You will understand later!"
And I did.
