Chapter 13 - My Vow

Chapter 13- My vow

That week would be crucial for me! I had to win, definitely! 

Whilst I was chanting I constantly thought about my life and the reasons why I wanted to live. I asked myself what kind of life I would have if I didn't die? I knew I didn't want to have the same kind of life that I had been living so far. I wanted to change my life and become happy. 

Suddenly I thought again about Sensei (Daisaku Ikeda). I always thought about him when I felt fear, doubt and discouragement. 

My mother would say that Sensei was very especial to her. Without his efforts to go to Brazil and propagate this Buddhism she would never have met the Mystic Law and learned how to chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.  She always expressed great gratitude for him! 

I also heard about Sensei at the SGI meetings. At the adult meetings the SGI leaders shared Sensei's guidance which came in the SGI newspaper, magazines and books. I liked listening to them and I saw how people, including my mummy, were inspired and encouraged by Sensei's words. Sometimes they had arrived at the meeting with a pale sad face and then left with a bright and happy face. 

I liked most of the children's meetings because we were told about Sensei's youth and his struggle in war time. He had many struggles; he lost his eldest brother in the war, his house was destroyed by bombs and he had to work hard to help his family financially. I was very moved my Sensei's courage to never give up. 

Besides all that, he got ill with tuberculosis when he was just 15.  I was also 15 when I had tuberculosis. Exactly like Sensei!

When Sensei was 19 he met his mentor Jossei Toda. He was invited by some friends to attend a meeting but they didn't tell him that it was a Buddhist meeting. They said it was a meeting about philosophy. Sensei liked philosophy and he accepted their invitation. At the meeting Sensei was very impressed with Josei Toda's explanation about life and he decided there and then to follow Josei Toda and have him as his mentor.  At the end of the meeting Sensei stood up and asked Jossei Toda if he could recite a poem called  "Springing from the Earth." 

Traveler, 

From whence do you come? 

And where do you go?

The moon has set, 

But the sun has not yet risen. 

In the chaos of darkness before the dawn 

Seeking the light, 

I advance 

To dispel the dark clouds from my mind 

To find a great tree unbowed by the tempest 

I emerge from the Earth." 

[From The Human Revolution, by Daisaku Ikeda]

The poem expressed Sensei's vow to follow Jossei Toda for the rest of his life! 

That was it! I needed a vow - I needed to make a vow - to have a life with profound meaning, just as Sensei did with Jossei Toda.  

I started chanting to understand what I wanted to decide. During the Daimoku I felt the desire to live a meaningful life and help other people become happy. But what was happiness?  How could I help people become happy if I was not? Then I realised that I was feeling happier when I chanted and also after I had made my decision to live and help other people become happy. That was my first vow. To live for people's happiness. And the way I did that; that would be doing 'Kosen-rufu'. 

My second vow, which was totally connected with the first one, was to follow and have Daisaku Ikeda as my mentor in life. 

And my third vow was to never abandon the Gohonzon and the SGI organisation. 

My Daimoku had changed! I felt unshakeable! I felt that my victory was certain after my determination to live for people's happiness. Exactly as Sensei had done in his youth. 

At the day of  my lung examination I don't remember feeling the least bit worried. I just remember that I wanted  to know the results fast. 

I had the examination in the afternoon and then two doctors came to see me about two hours later. One of them had a serious expression on his face as if some bad news was coming. There was a long pause before anybody started talking.  I didn't take my eyes off them. My mother was also there waiting for words. 

"Tell me please, will my daughter need surgery in the other lung?" My mother asked one of the doctors who held the envelope with the results in his hand. 

He first looked at my mother and then at me. 

"It's taking a long time!" I thought. "What is happening?" 

"I almost let doubt enter in my heart. But I didn't! I would win that battle and have the proof  that Nam-myoho-renge-kyo was powerful. 

"Honestly we haven't fully understood the results of the examination and we will have to ask for more tests", the doctor said. 

"Why?", my mother asked. "Is there anything wrong?" 

"We still don't know", said the other doctor. 

"Please  let us know the result!"  demanded my mother. 

I also began to feel anxious. It seemed as if they didn't want to tell me.  I began wondering if my case was very serious and if they were afraid to tell me. 

"Please doctor tell me! I said to the doctor who held my result in his hands." 

"I will leave it to Doctor F. to explain what is happening. Also because he will be taking care of you from now." Doctor F. was a lung specialist. 

My mother and I looked at the doctor. Our eyes starred at the doctor's hands while he opened the envelope with my results. 

"Honestly I can't yet offer you a clear explanation of the results. Therefore I have thought about asking for another examination" , he said. 

"Before another examination can I have the result of this one?" I asked. 

"Yes of course! But I need to ask you to wait for the results of the next examination before we can confirm the result of this one." 

 I was anxious as the doctor didn't open the envelope quickly to tell us the result. 

As he began to open the envelope containing my medical results, my heart beat faster.

"The examination did not deliver the results we were anticipating. In  We expected that you would need surgery in your right lung as well. The reason for this is because your left lung had been severely affected by tuberculosis and when that is the case with one lung, usually the other lung is affected too. So we were almost 100% certain that you would need the surgery." He said. "But the examination shows that you don't have any pus in your left lung." 

I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears. 

"Please, wait for the results of the next examination before celebrating. We need to check again in order to obtain absolute confirmation of this result", he said. 

Of course it was right! I felt it was! I had won and I didn't need to wait for any other examination! I was sure that I did not need any surgery in my right lung. 

The doctor insisted on carrying out a second examination and I knew I had to comply. However, I felt I had already won. I could undergo any examination he asked for, I was sure that the result would be the same. 

My mother was celebrating and like me she already knew we were going to be victorious. 

After the doctors left the room, my mother stayed a few minutes longer. 

"Congratulations my dear. You won!" 

"Thank you mummy. However this victory is not just mine. It's yours and our mentors." 

My mother smiled and hugged me. She knew I had discovered something very important in my life while I was chanting to overcome my health karma. 

She was absolutely right!  I had discovered that I could not live anymore without a making deep vow and without a mentor. 

Then I felt in my heart I that was ready to face any challenge as I was not alone anymore. 

Now, I had a mentor. 

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