Chapter 9

Chapter 9. - The Happiest Day

My mother used to say that it was very difficult to wake up me on school days! She called me many times before I got up. However, when it was the Kotekitai's rehearsal day, I woke up by myself  and before her.

We usually woke up at about 4.30am to take the train at 6.30am. It was necessary to get up a couple of hours early because we had to meet with other children who would travel with my mother. 

The girls were kotekitai( band for girls) and the boys were Ongakutai ( band for boys). Their parents could not go to every rehearsal because some had two or three children in the bands and they did not have money for transport for them and their children. They also wanted to give their children some extra money to buy an ice cream. Everybody liked to buy ice cream on the train! 

After getting dressed my mother and I did Gongyo and Daimoku. We never left home without doing Gongyo and Daimoku! But we always left home without having breakfast! 

' Honey, we are going to have our breakfast on the way or on the train, is that okay with you?' My mother asked. 

' Yes mummy!' I answered. 

I did not really mind about having breakfast on the way! First because I was never hungry at 4.30 am and second because I did not want to miss the train. If that happened the next train would not be till 7am and we would be late for the beginning of the kotekitai'  rehearsal. Then I would miss the part I liked most, the recitation of the poem " Angels of the peace". 

The poem was written by the Kotekiati's founder Daisaku Ikeda and dedicated to each member of the group. The poem was very long and we recited it standing with our hands behind our back and our heads held high concentrating looking at the horizon. The older girls from the band had memorised the poem and they recited all the verses in a dynamic rhythm! It took about fifteen minutes. I was not sure I would be able to recite the poem like them without reading it when it became my turn to join the band. That would happen at age13. I was still just 9! 

' Why do we have to look at the horizon when we are reciting the poem?' , I asked one of the Pompomtai's  leaders. 

' Because we think about the Kotekitai's founder Daisaku Ikeda', she said,' Although he is in Japan so far from Brazil, we wish to thank him from the bottom of our heart for founding the group, for selling his own clothes to buy the first instruments to offer the members' group and for propagating this Buddhism outside Japan. Without his effort we could not be in Kotekitai and chant Nam- myoho- renge- Kyo.' 

' But how is he going to hear us?'How will our voices reach him? , I asked.

' He will not hear to our voices! When we say each verse of the poem it is as we are making our vow to him, that through our music we will give hope and courage for everybody, as he wished when founded the band.' She said. ' Like when we chant Nam- myoho- renge- Kyo for someone we have been concerned for, but who doesn't live near of us. Have you ever done that?" 

' No I haven't. But my mother does! She always says she is chanting for our family and friends and they don't live near of us.' 

'So your mother knows that our chanting goes to other people like a radio waves. And our voice will reach our mentor's heart and he will know that the Kotekitai's members are here doing Kosen rufu through the music', She said. 

 I was very moved by her words and I didn't realise how much meaning that poem had for each of us! If I had already liked that moment and the poem, then after her explanation I liked it much more! 

The poem's excerpt that moved me and made me cry was; 

" Nor bayonets, even firearms

With a mere fife and drum 

You play the basic rhythm of this mystical universe. 

 They will feel the resonance, 

 in their hearts 

And the world too 

 Will discover a reason for Peace." 

Daisaku Ikeda 

(Tentative of translation) 

So, I could never be late! 

When we were all together we started walking to the station. We were about ten people and we usually had many bags and musical instruments. The boys had just music instruments and one of the boys had chosen a big instrument called bass drum.

' Why did you choose this big instrument?  Did they not have a small one? It is bigger than you!' my mother always said to him. 

Everybody laughed! I laughed too! 

The hardest moment was when we were a few meters from the train station and the train was early. It whistled at Santa Cruz station and we could hear the whistle and see the lights in front. 

' Run!', my mother shouted. 

We all ran! My mother took the boy's bass drum and put it on her shoulders and ran behind us! She also asked the oldest boy and girl to run faster to be at the train door to help the younger of us get safely on the train. 

We crossed the Main Street very fast before any car came and went up the station's ramp. 

'Don't stop! Don't stop! We need to get that train!', my mother said.  

When we got to the station the oldest girl passed underneath the roulette and the oldest boy jumped the roulette. Then they helped us to pass underneath the roulette. 

On a normal day the oldest boys and girls paid the tickets but when the train was early they did not have time. The good thing was that they would have more money to buy ice cream and they would share with others who did not have any money. I was one of them! The bad thing, my mother would say, was that we had made negative cause by not paying for the transport.  

However we did not have time to pay and the oldest girl and boy were already holding the train's door.  

'Go! Go!, the oldest boy shouted. 

Each of us was practically thrown into the train by the oldest girl and boy who were at each side of the train's door. We had short legs and the gap between the train and the platform was big and high. One girl called Luciana always cried when getting on the train because she was afraid of falling into the hole. 

My mother was the last person to get on the train because she wanted to be sure that everyone was safely on it. 

As soon as we all got on the train, the engineer blew the whistle and the doors closed. We all left our backpacks fall on the train's floor and sat down breathless! Nobody said a word for a while. Slowly we started to laugh at each other.  My mother was the first person to say something. 

'Is everybody here?' my mother asked. 

'Yes Mrs Teresa!' The oldest boy answered. He always counted when helping us on the train. 

'Is everyone well?' The oldest girl asked. 

'Yes we are!' We shouted. 

'Well done! We did it! You were great! my mother said. '

We did it! We really did! I thought.

'Now let's have our breakfast and sleep because you are going to have a long day and it has to be great and productive' ,my mother said. 

I was very hungry after that run and the bread with butter I had in by bag was finished in two bites. Then I went to sleep as my mother ordered. 

The journey took about an hour and twenty minutes, and we had to walk about twenty minutes   to the school where the bands' rehearsal would be. 

We arrived at the school on time! The boys went to the right side and we went to left side of the school. 

 After the recitation of the poem with all kotekitai's members I went into a room with the pompomtai's members and my friend Silvia, to start the Pompomtai's rehearsal. We also had our poem, but it was five or six lines and we recited it very fast. We were in the room in the morning to study Sensei's guidance, learn theory, and we were talking and practicing our choreography. The pompomtai's leader asked us if we were chanting at home with our parents. Then they explained how important it was to chant everyday in order to build a life of victories. 

After lunch we practiced our dance with the older girls who played. The rehearsal finished at 5pm and we would repeat the journey back home. We sat at the train station's floor and  shared and ate the rest of the food we had. Everybody looked so exhausted! I was too! 

When the train arrived we all had our ice cream and then slept all the way  back. 

The rehearsal day was my happiest day! I was not at home with my father! I spent the whole day with my mother! I met my friend Silvia! I learned many things and I danced! 

 I could not wait for the next rehearsal next month! I also could not wait for the  time when I would be like the older girls and play an instrument. I just didn't imagine that to be older, participate in the band, and play like them would be a big challenge for me! 

Chapter 8 - Suffer in Silence

( my friend Silvia and me in Taplow)

Chapter 8 - Suffer in Silence 

As my mother wouldn't divorce my father I had to resign myself to living in the same house as him.  How difficult it was! I had to learn to protect myself from him everyday and each day was a really big challenge! 

Consequently my nervous system was affected and I began to  have a speech disorder called stuttering. It was getting worse each year and the first important place I started having problems was at school. 

Once the teacher called out our names to check if we were in class, and for the first time I could not answer. My voice didn't come out! It happened many times after that day and then the teacher thought I wasn't attending the class. My mother was called to the school and she was surprised at the situation. She was sure that I had left home to attend class every day. 

The second time my mother was called to attend a meeting at the  school to talk about me, was when the Portuguese teacher had forced me to read out loud to my classmates. I tried to explain to the teacher that I could not read in public because of my speech disorder. But she ignored me and forced me to stand up and read! She also said that if I didn't read she would fail me that year. I stood in front of the class for a while without saying a word. My mouth was trembling and I broke a front tooth trying to read. I could not read!  Students laughed at me and I was ashamed. I cried and I never came back to her class again! As a result, I was failed that year! 

At the meeting with the school principle my mother stared at me sadly as she was trying to understand the reason I had started to have that speech disorder. I lowered my eyes. Nothing hurt me more than to see her suffering! 

My mother then decided to see a specialist in phonology. 

I had no idea what the doctor would ask me, but I was sure that he would not be able to help me if I didn't tell him my secrets. 

At the day of our appointment to see the doctor I was tense and nervous! "Will the doctor have the power to force me to tell him and my mother my secrets?", I asked myself. 

The doctor asked my mother many questions about me. He asked if I had been born with any particular problem or if I had suffered some kind of trauma. 

My mother told him that I was born normal and that I had started speaking before I was a year old. She also said that I had not suffered any trauma.

" I have noticed she cannot say her name, talk on the phone or  complete a sentence without stopping, but I didn't pay it much attention because I thought perhaps it wasn't serious and that maybe it would stop soon. But unfortunately the problem has become worse day after day, and she has had many problems at school", my mother said to the doctor. 

" Does she have more difficulties in speaking when she is nervous or excited?", the doctor asked my mother. 

My mother looked at me. 

I knew she was waiting for my answer. I nodded my head saying yes.

The doctor was staring at me when I nodded my head as if he was analysing me. 

"Has anything happened to you that might have caused this problem?", the doctor asked me, " Could it be something or someone?". 

Yes! I thought. But I didn't tell him the truth ! Those were my secrets! I had promised myself to keep my secrets until my mother dies. I would never want my mother to know all my secrets! My attitude was to protect her from the suffering she would feel if she knew everything.

I was aware that the doctor would be able to help me with the  suffering of the speech disorder if I told him everything. But unfortunately my mother was there and if I told him she would also know the reasons I was losing my voice. Even if she was not there I was sure the doctor would have to tell her since I was only 9. 

He was too close to my secrets. I decided to invent a story!

" I was playing hide and seek with some kids in the neighbourhood and I hid in a dark place. Suddenly one of the kids discovered my hiding place and scared me! I screamed and held my breath for a while and my heart was beating very fast!", I said slowly. 

" Do you think your difficulty in speaking started from that day?", he asked me. 

" I think so!", I lied.  I had to say that to end the conversation! 

" If she didn't have any other situation maybe that event could be the cause of the stuttering. Usually stuttering may be caused by more serious incidents, but perhaps in her case it happened with a simple event such as playing", the doctor said. 

He was right! Completely right! Something more serious had happened! 

When the appointment with the doctor finished my mother tried once more to find out if I had something to share with her. 

" Honey! Are you sure you don't have anything else to tell me?", she asked. 

" No mummy! I don't!" 

I had! I had many things to tell her but I would never tell her! 

We left the doctor's office in silence. My mother was thoughtful.

A few days later my mother said to me that I was to go to the Buddhist meeting for children once a month. 

" Why do I have to go to the children's meetings if I have gone to adult meetings with you mummy?", I asked her. 

" Because I think It will be good for you to meet other Buddhist children and chant together with them". 

Honestly I really liked the idea of Buddhist meetings for children but I was afraid of having to speak at the meeting. At all the meetings I had gone to my mother, people introduced themselves, said their names and for how long they had been  practicing. My mother always answered for her and me. So if I was going to a meeting that was just for children she would not be there to say my name. I was terrified!  

However my first Buddhist meeting for children was better than I expected! There were many kids in the living room and it was impossible for the leaders to ask each of us our names! It would have taken up all the meeting time! I was saved from embarrassment! 

I sat near a Japanese girl who looked younger than me. When I looked at her, she smiled at me! When someone close to us let out a fart we looked at each other and laughed! The children's meetings always had something to laugh at even when it was a bad behaviour from one of us. Silvia and I sat close to each other at all the meetings from that day and I could not have imagined that that small Japanese girl would help me at such an important and crucial moment of my life! 

My mother stayed outside the room talking with other parents.They were not allowed to participate in the children's meetings. The meeting was just for us! 

Usually there were adult people, young men and women, leading the meeting and we all did Gongyo and Daimoku*together, and studied some Goshos by Nichiren Daishonin and read Sensei's guidance. We also had a Buddhist exam once. 

When I was still 9 my mother went for an interview to enrol me in the BSGI (Brazil Soka Gakkai International) Fife and Drum band for girls called Nova Era Kotekitai. Within that group there were many smaller groups and I became part of Pompomtai, the group for children  between 8 and 12 years old. We would dance while the older girls were playing their instruments at the SGI meetings and also at some other events in society. 

On my first day of the band rehearsal I was very happy when I saw Silvia Hanzawa! She  was in the Pompomtai too! I could not hide my happiness seeing her until we went into a room and the Pompomtai leader started to call out names like teachers did at school. I started to  panic!  I didn't stop moving in the chair where I sat and my hands were getting sweaty. Those were the symptoms I had when I was very nervous and disparate. 

Silvia looked at me many times trying to understand what was happening. 

" Are you okay?", she asked. 

" No, I'm not", I answered. 

" Why are you nervous?"

" Because I cannot answer the leader when she calls my name"

" Why not?" 

" Because I have a speech disorder  called stuttering and when I feel nervous or anxious my voice doesn't come out!", I said. 

" But it's just to say yes when she calls your name", she said. 

I knew that! But even a simple short word like YES was impossible for me to say when I felt pressured. 

" Could you answer YES for me please?", I asked her. 

" Me?", she asked surprisingly. 

" Yes please! I don't want the leader to think I am not here". 

" But if she discovers?" 

" She's not going to discover. We can sit at the back of the room and she will only listen to your voice and not see you", I said. 

" But if she discovers you will explain to her".

" Okay I will". 

Then Silvia answered when her name and mine was called. She did that for a long time and sometimes she forgot and answered for me even when I had not gone to the rehearsal. She was so used to helping me! 

Because of her help and friendship I didn't run away from the group and later I had many other opportunities to overcome my fear and win over my speech disorder! And Silvia became my first and special best friend! 

I was ashamed of my situation but at that time I was a little girl and I didn't know how to overcome the situation, especially because I was aware that the problem could have started because of the things that happened to me when I was 8. I was also aware that no one could help me since I had decided to keep my secrets and suffer in silence. 

Gongyo e Daimoku - http://www.sgi.org/sgi-president/writings-by-sgi-president-ikeda/gongyo-and-daimoku.html