Chapter 8 - Suffer in Silence
As my mother wouldn't divorce my father I had to resign myself to living in the same house as him. How difficult it was! I had to learn to protect myself from him everyday and each day was a really big challenge!
Consequently my nervous system was affected and I began to have a speech disorder called stuttering. It was getting worse each year and the first important place I started having problems was at school.
Once the teacher called out our names to check if we were in class, and for the first time I could not answer. My voice didn't come out! It happened many times after that day and then the teacher thought I wasn't attending the class. My mother was called to the school and she was surprised at the situation. She was sure that I had left home to attend class every day.
The second time my mother was called to attend a meeting at the school to talk about me, was when the Portuguese teacher had forced me to read out loud to my classmates. I tried to explain to the teacher that I could not read in public because of my speech disorder. But she ignored me and forced me to stand up and read! She also said that if I didn't read she would fail me that year. I stood in front of the class for a while without saying a word. My mouth was trembling and I broke a front tooth trying to read. I could not read! Students laughed at me and I was ashamed. I cried and I never came back to her class again! As a result, I was failed that year!
At the meeting with the school principle my mother stared at me sadly as she was trying to understand the reason I had started to have that speech disorder. I lowered my eyes. Nothing hurt me more than to see her suffering!
My mother then decided to see a specialist in phonology.
I had no idea what the doctor would ask me, but I was sure that he would not be able to help me if I didn't tell him my secrets.
At the day of our appointment to see the doctor I was tense and nervous! "Will the doctor have the power to force me to tell him and my mother my secrets?", I asked myself.
The doctor asked my mother many questions about me. He asked if I had been born with any particular problem or if I had suffered some kind of trauma.
My mother told him that I was born normal and that I had started speaking before I was a year old. She also said that I had not suffered any trauma.
" I have noticed she cannot say her name, talk on the phone or complete a sentence without stopping, but I didn't pay it much attention because I thought perhaps it wasn't serious and that maybe it would stop soon. But unfortunately the problem has become worse day after day, and she has had many problems at school", my mother said to the doctor.
" Does she have more difficulties in speaking when she is nervous or excited?", the doctor asked my mother.
My mother looked at me.
I knew she was waiting for my answer. I nodded my head saying yes.
The doctor was staring at me when I nodded my head as if he was analysing me.
"Has anything happened to you that might have caused this problem?", the doctor asked me, " Could it be something or someone?".
Yes! I thought. But I didn't tell him the truth ! Those were my secrets! I had promised myself to keep my secrets until my mother dies. I would never want my mother to know all my secrets! My attitude was to protect her from the suffering she would feel if she knew everything.
I was aware that the doctor would be able to help me with the suffering of the speech disorder if I told him everything. But unfortunately my mother was there and if I told him she would also know the reasons I was losing my voice. Even if she was not there I was sure the doctor would have to tell her since I was only 9.
He was too close to my secrets. I decided to invent a story!
" I was playing hide and seek with some kids in the neighbourhood and I hid in a dark place. Suddenly one of the kids discovered my hiding place and scared me! I screamed and held my breath for a while and my heart was beating very fast!", I said slowly.
" Do you think your difficulty in speaking started from that day?", he asked me.
" I think so!", I lied. I had to say that to end the conversation!
" If she didn't have any other situation maybe that event could be the cause of the stuttering. Usually stuttering may be caused by more serious incidents, but perhaps in her case it happened with a simple event such as playing", the doctor said.
He was right! Completely right! Something more serious had happened!
When the appointment with the doctor finished my mother tried once more to find out if I had something to share with her.
" Honey! Are you sure you don't have anything else to tell me?", she asked.
" No mummy! I don't!"
I had! I had many things to tell her but I would never tell her!
We left the doctor's office in silence. My mother was thoughtful.
A few days later my mother said to me that I was to go to the Buddhist meeting for children once a month.
" Why do I have to go to the children's meetings if I have gone to adult meetings with you mummy?", I asked her.
" Because I think It will be good for you to meet other Buddhist children and chant together with them".
Honestly I really liked the idea of Buddhist meetings for children but I was afraid of having to speak at the meeting. At all the meetings I had gone to my mother, people introduced themselves, said their names and for how long they had been practicing. My mother always answered for her and me. So if I was going to a meeting that was just for children she would not be there to say my name. I was terrified!
However my first Buddhist meeting for children was better than I expected! There were many kids in the living room and it was impossible for the leaders to ask each of us our names! It would have taken up all the meeting time! I was saved from embarrassment!
I sat near a Japanese girl who looked younger than me. When I looked at her, she smiled at me! When someone close to us let out a fart we looked at each other and laughed! The children's meetings always had something to laugh at even when it was a bad behaviour from one of us. Silvia and I sat close to each other at all the meetings from that day and I could not have imagined that that small Japanese girl would help me at such an important and crucial moment of my life!
My mother stayed outside the room talking with other parents.They were not allowed to participate in the children's meetings. The meeting was just for us!
Usually there were adult people, young men and women, leading the meeting and we all did Gongyo and Daimoku*together, and studied some Goshos by Nichiren Daishonin and read Sensei's guidance. We also had a Buddhist exam once.
When I was still 9 my mother went for an interview to enrol me in the BSGI (Brazil Soka Gakkai International) Fife and Drum band for girls called Nova Era Kotekitai. Within that group there were many smaller groups and I became part of Pompomtai, the group for children between 8 and 12 years old. We would dance while the older girls were playing their instruments at the SGI meetings and also at some other events in society.
On my first day of the band rehearsal I was very happy when I saw Silvia Hanzawa! She was in the Pompomtai too! I could not hide my happiness seeing her until we went into a room and the Pompomtai leader started to call out names like teachers did at school. I started to panic! I didn't stop moving in the chair where I sat and my hands were getting sweaty. Those were the symptoms I had when I was very nervous and disparate.
Silvia looked at me many times trying to understand what was happening.
" Are you okay?", she asked.
" No, I'm not", I answered.
" Why are you nervous?"
" Because I cannot answer the leader when she calls my name"
" Why not?"
" Because I have a speech disorder called stuttering and when I feel nervous or anxious my voice doesn't come out!", I said.
" But it's just to say yes when she calls your name", she said.
I knew that! But even a simple short word like YES was impossible for me to say when I felt pressured.
" Could you answer YES for me please?", I asked her.
" Me?", she asked surprisingly.
" Yes please! I don't want the leader to think I am not here".
" But if she discovers?"
" She's not going to discover. We can sit at the back of the room and she will only listen to your voice and not see you", I said.
" But if she discovers you will explain to her".
" Okay I will".
Then Silvia answered when her name and mine was called. She did that for a long time and sometimes she forgot and answered for me even when I had not gone to the rehearsal. She was so used to helping me!
Because of her help and friendship I didn't run away from the group and later I had many other opportunities to overcome my fear and win over my speech disorder! And Silvia became my first and special best friend!
I was ashamed of my situation but at that time I was a little girl and I didn't know how to overcome the situation, especially because I was aware that the problem could have started because of the things that happened to me when I was 8. I was also aware that no one could help me since I had decided to keep my secrets and suffer in silence.
Gongyo e Daimoku - http://www.sgi.org/sgi-president/writings-by-sgi-president-ikeda/gongyo-and-daimoku.html
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