Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - My father and me 

 " Valmir, don't arrive home late. I'll be working all night at the hospital and Tatiana is afraid of being alone after dark". I heard my mother say to my father. But he never came home early and even worse, sometimes he did not come home at all. 

The area we lived in was a poor one and there was no lighting in the streets. In the evening it was so dark that the moon and the stars seemed to shine even more intensely. Occasionally a police car passed because although the people who lived there didn't have much money, the burglars still raided the houses to steal whatever you had. 

When my father did not come home I could not sleep easily and sometimes I stayed up all night until the sun came up. I was that afraid of the dark! I was afraid of someone coming into our house!  I was afraid of gosts ! Any sound I heard scared me! I was only 8! 

Sometimes I fell asleep tired of crying! 

The following day my father always arrived home before my mother. He knew that she would be very angry and disappointed if he wasn't there.  

 " Sorry about that! I did not want to leave you alone but I could not come home last night." He said. 

I thought it was because he didn't like me that he left me alone all night!

" Please don't tell your mummy because she will kill me if she finds out and she will go to prison. And you will be alone in this world!" He said.   

He always threatened me! 

I hated my father for that! I thought he was bad and selfish! 

But he was right!  My mother had a short temper and she used to throw large stones and pots on his head when she was angry. He always ran to avoid being hit.  She also said repeatedly that she would kill him if something bad happened to me. 

I definitely did not want to be left alone! I loved my mother so much! I cared about her! 

That was not the only secret I would hide from my mother. Other serious situations  happened and I decided not to tell her. I thought I was protecting her! 

I was also ashamed of being his daughter because other children who lived in the neighbourhood often saw my father and his friends take drugs on a hill near our house when they were out there playing.  That was another thing we had where we lived, our area was surrounded by many high hills full of green trees. When I passed by children on my way  from school they shouted: " look at that girl who has a drug-user father !" I could not defend him or me! It was true! 

Consequently my behaviour towards my father changed after he did those things to me! I was angry at him! I stopped talking to him, stopped kissing and hugging him! I did not ask him for anything! I did not look at him! I did not want to have him as my father! I wished he would die! 

My silence started to worry him but he did not ask me anything, for fear that I would tell my mother about all he had done.  

Because I did not want to tell my mother or anyone what had happened to me when I was with my father, I did not realise that my secrets would harm me. Later I started to have a speech disorder called stuttering. It affected various aspects of my life. Sometimes I could not even say my own name! 

My struggle to accept my father took many years!

When I was teenager an SGI (Soka Gakkai International) Young Women's local leader came to home-visit me. She asked how my relationship with my parents was. I remember that I just told her about my negative feelings towards my father. I did not tell her the reasons because they were my secrets , but I said how much I hated him and wanted him to die! 

She did not show surprise in her eyes and her face kept as it was . She then said: " You have to chant ( Nam-myoho- renge- kyo) for your Dad's happiness. Your happiness depends of his." 

I  was in shock! I did not agree with her! 

" How can I chant for his happiness if he has done so many bad things to me and my mother!", I said to her, " When I am chanting the only thing I can wish for is that he would disappear! Our life would be much better without him!" 

" I understand your feelings!  I can feel how much you have suffered because of the situation with your father. But he is not your father by chance. There is a karmic connection between you and him", she said. 

I did not want to admit that although I was aware of the Buddhist principle of " Cause and Effect!". I thought about the Gosho by Nichiren Daisonin that says; " If you want to understand the causes that existed in the past, look at the results as they are manifested in the present. And if you want to understand what results will be manifested in the future, look at the causes that exist in the present. " [No.30, Page 279, col 1, paragraph 309, Content]

" You need to transform your Karma into mission!", she said, " He is your father because you chose him and this family!" 

" What? I didn't choose him! How could I do that! Why would I choose a father who just does bad things? Are you crazy?"

" No, I am not crazy!", she answered, " If you have found this Buddhism in this life time, it means that you are a Bodhisattva of the Earth and that you decided to come into this family in order to transform the situation and to prove the power of the Mystic Law. Maybe before you where born you could have chosen another family, father and life , but because you were a Bodhisattva of the Earth , you chose the most difficult situation in order to help these people , your father and mother, to become absolutely happy", she said. 

I thought she was completely crazy! But because I liked and admired her so much I decided to think and chant about all things she said. 

Later I read Buddhist material which explained about the Bodhisattva of the Earth(1) and the Ten Worlds (2), concepts that helped me to understand my situation deeply, not just with my father,  but with everything that happened and would happen. 

When she left my house I chanted to be able to wish for my father's happiness but it was very difficult for many years. When I sat in front of the Gohonzon to chant I thought first about his happiness but then a few minutes later the wish that he would die came back to my mind. It was really a battle between what I wished for and what was correct to do. 

I think that at the time I had not yet understood that everything that happened to me was my responsibility , since I was the only person who had made negative and positive causes in my past. But I wanted to blame my father for all my problems and suffering, " It's not my fault", I thought, "it is his fault".  I wanted to believe in that! 

For many years while I chanted to change my feelings for my father , I continued not talking to him as a normal daughter would do. I just spoke to him when it was really necessary , even when he was doing me a favour or trying to help me someway. His presence annoyed me! 

I never thought it would be possible to change the hatred I felt for him! But it happened one day. 

1- Bodhisattva of the Earth- http://www.sgilibrary.org/search_dict.php?id=175

2- Ten Worlds -  http://www.sgi.org/buddhism/buddhist-concepts/ten-worlds.html